When I see babies I think they’re super cute. When I think of having my own children I suddenly have to search for air. The thought of having kids is really scary. I babysit all the time and every time again I think: I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know HOW they can take care of a child 24/7! Saying that raising kids is a challenge is an understatement of the same level as saying the universe is small. Is that really what I want my life to be about?
I have to admit, when people say they don’t want kids I feel relieved. I don’t think they are selfish at all, because they know being a parent means they have to be 100% dedicated and they don’t feel they’re up to that challenge. Kids don’t always fit in a lifestyle and the fact that people realize that is only a good thing. Bad people don’t seem to be worried about messing up their kids with horrible parenting. These are the selfish ones; not the ones who choose to save their kids from disaster.
To be honest, I don’t think I’d mess them up. I’m just scared and very realistic about the challenge. I keep thinking of all the horrors and things I’d have to give up.
The horror it begins with
First of all, I’m a chicken. To me, labor is one of the scariest things on earth. The word ”stitches” says enough. I also have a feeling going through labor in the Netherlands is messed up. You will basically have to do it without pain control unless there is a strong medical reason. In other countries an epidural is pretty much standard. Heck, you can even choose to have a c-section! Here you have to fight to get an epidural and a c-section is never a choice; it’s only an option in case of specific medical need. Upon timely request you can get an epidural, but they’ll try to talk you out of it. It still doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed an epidural, because that’s only possible in specific hospitals during specific hours. It’s not like you can request an epidural while in labor.
I know it has risks, but I’m pretty sure this country is not as advanced medically as other countries, so I know they’re not trying to be careful. They just want to save costs. The fact that they send you home after two hours (if there are no complications) proves that costs matter more to them than these women. May I also note that this country has almost the highest infant mortality rate of Europe? Giving birth is already scary, but having to do it in a country with crappy pre and postnatal care makes it even scarier.
No more carefree life
Responsibility will haunt you every second of the day and that is a very, very big sacrifice. Nothing is about you alone anymore. You can just say bye to freedom and spare time. Seriously, you have to keep an eye on little kids the whole time. You can barely find the time to eat, pray and shower. Shopping in all peace will be a vague memory of the past. If I feel exhausted after a day of babysitting, then how will I manage to take care of a child 24/7? You can’t sleep a night straight again and you can forget about those eight hours to gain any energy. Being a mother = sleep deprivation. And I didn’t even mention all the worries that come with the package. The cries at night are temporary; the worries are forever.
Superficial though real reasons
And then there are superficial reasons that are, nonetheless, in the back of my mind.
- Bye-bye nice body! Ever seen what happens to the belly after the baby gets out? In case you don’t know: it will never be the same again.
- Bye money. You really need to make sure you’re financially healthy before you dare to come close to your husband.
- Hello poopy diapers and milky puke.
- And hello cries. You will have to hear the sound of screaming, every day, a million times a day and it will drive you nuts.
So do I want to be a mother?
With this horror in mind… I’m still up for it. Yep, you read that right! Motherhood is simply in me and the fact that I said yes while aware of reality means I’m serious. Reality also means it’s best to wait a little, but it doesn’t alter the fact that it’s in my heart, my blood and my soul. I feel like there is an inexhaustible source of love and patience inside of me, waiting to burst and be poured over my own chubby-cheeked little humans. The unconditional love my mother had for me, along with all its warmth and worries, I want to pass that on to my own children. I want to do more than my best to be their support. I want to be the best caretaker I can be. I want to show my love even if that means I have to give up every sense of carefreeness. I am a mother. I just don’t have the kids yet.
5 thoughts on “Do I want to be a mother?”
I like this I completely agree
halfway through reading this wonderfully explained article about motherhood’s woories,I had no shred of doubt that you would clealry conclude it by stating that you were not so excited about being a mother in the future. I was gobsmacked when you said that you were up for all the difficulties and challenges that would come along with having kids and ready to go all the distance despite of all your fears. It goes without saying that being in labor for the first time is such a nightmare. My aunt who recently gave birth to her first cute girl told me that she thought she wouldnt make it. she had even written her will before she was taken to the labor room.! However,now that she is in good shape, she thinks that all the fears and nightmares she had about giving birth were mental. what she experienced during labor was not as excruciatingly painful as she had imagined!. She felt some pains followed by sever headaches but they would all dissipate as soon as she was overwhelemed with the fact she was going to be a mother soon.In the end ,It all went smoothly and painlessly. So , I think that it is all in our heads. Being fearful of the unknown or uneasy about some new changes in our lives is natural and understandable .It is logical that some doubts and fears exist due to the fact that we are not always sure we can pull through. It should also be noted that sometimes our thoughts and illusions can make a situation a hundred times worse than it actually is. Having to go through moments when you are stressed out and worried about your child’s well being and cleanliness and putting up with its contious cries at night is inevitable since you are a mother and I’m kind of assured it won’t be really that bad because you are used to babysitting. That’s what my mom thinks. If you are good at babysitting, things are going to be so easy for you when you have your first baby. no more carefree life and free time ,hmmm ,Belive me ,When you are over the hill having no babies and looking at your married friends, each one with three or four kids being busy all the time but living happlily ,you would defintely be willing to give up your carefree lifestyle for good to live and experience JUST one moment of their hectic yet blessed lives.
Yeah you’re right, but don’t underestimate it either. Babysitting is just a few hours, top. It does not include sleeping with the baby, so I don’t know what it’s like to be kept awake by a baby. I don’t know what it feels like to have suffered from sleep deprivation for such a long time, but I can see it on the face of a mother. My sister has a fairly easy child, but he won’t let her sleep more than five hours a night. My sister in law had a cry baby, which means he cried all day for no reason. Reality is definitely as difficult as I described in this post (if not worse) because this is what I’ve seen with my own eyes and this is what I can read from all those exhausted faces. But you’re absolutely right: it’s a blessing! Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts 🙂
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