When I was thirteen I had a friend with issues. We had a blast together, but after a while she became dangerously depressed. It was hard for me to have a suicidal friend. Even harder was to understand why she was suicidal. She could never explain what was wrong. Everything became clear after a while; her depression had a clear cause and it was not a chronic depression. But a lot of people do suffer from chronic depression and I learned that it doesn’t have to have a clear reason. Some people  are just chronically and clinically depressed. They have some kind of imbalance in the brain, but no physical health issues.

Being severely depressed and suicidal is no joke. It’s a very serious problem and the thought of it terrifies me. What could possibly put you in such darkness that all you wish for is to end it? What must it be like to have a heart screaming so much that you cannot stand living another second on this earth? Every second is suffocating, unbearable. Every second is a battle against hurting their loved ones by ending it. They fight and fight and fight, until they can’t anymore. It just terrifies me. We don’t feel the same sensation to the burn, so their pain must be worse than anything we have ever felt.

My school friend was in this position, but she survived. She wished to die because she is gay. She preferred to die rather than to accept that she is a lesbian. Sexual orientation not being a choice is the only conclusion I can draw here. It’s clear: if it were a choice, everybody would choose to be straight. Nobody commits suicide for fun.

I’m not sure if homosexuality is something people are born with or if it is something that develops during puberty. Transgender stuff is clearly something they’re born with; just look at kids that say they are stuck in the wrong body. This does make me suspect gay people were gay as kids too. It probably just wasn’t apparent since their sexuality wasn’t developed yet. Their often different behavior is apparent though.

About a boy

I once had an internship in which I worked with young kids. There was one particular four year old boy I’ll ever forget. He was different from other boys. When I asked the boy what character he would portray on a Dutch costume holiday, he said he would go as a princess.

‘’You mean a prince?’’

‘’No… a princess. I have a pink princess dress!’’

A week later I saw him again and I asked him about the holiday. He said he wore a Mega Mindy (a superhero) costume.

‘’Oh so you didn’t wear your princess dress?’’

‘’No, dad said that’s not a good idea.’’

It’s incredible by the way how much you can know about parents just by talking to their child. Now, Mega Mindy isn’t exactly boyish but she is a superhero, so I think it was ‘easier’ for the father. I actually doubt the boy watched Mega Mindy; it may have been too tough to his taste. But hey, she wears pink and boy, did he love pink. I have never seen a drawing of his that wasn’t pink. I once saw him wearing pink eye shadow on his eye lids and cheeks (he used a classmate’s makeup box).

I could tell his father had difficulty seeing him like that. I could also tell his parents wanted to make him happy. At home they let him have his way; at school they compromised. He was allowed to wear pink socks every day, but the rest of the outfit was not up to him. At home he had a pink bicycle, a bunch of girl toys, glitter lipgloss and as he said, a princess dress.

He was so girly that there have been moments in which I wondered if he felt like a girl or if he just liked girly things. So when he asked me if he could do my hair I thought I could try to find out some more.

‘’You like long hair, don’t you?’’

He nodded.

‘’Would you like to have long hair?’’

‘’No,’’ he giggled, ‘’I am a boy!’’

‘’Oh so long hair is for girls?’’

‘’Yes! And I am a boy.’’

‘’Of course, you are a boy indeed.”

This probably doesn’t mean much, but I still think he doesn’t feel like a girl. And it doesn’t have to mean the boy is gay, but it surely won’t be a surprise if he turns out to be gay. Young children are genuine and tend to be egocentric. They just do what they like and don’t realize yet that someone else might view things differently than they do. So they don’t decide to become girly for whatever reason; they just are. And gay people don’t decide to become gay; they just are.

But is it natural?

Not really, in my opinion. From a biological point of view we are made to survive and produce further life, but we all know two of the same sex can’t reproduce. If something goes against its very own nature, it means it’s not the way it’s supposed to be; it’s like an error. It’s much like chronic depression actually; being suicidal is unnatural, because it goes against our nature to survive.

Being gay doesn’t mean they are physically impaired or that it affects their cognitive abilities. All it means is that something in the brain is not the way it’s supposed to be, just like with animals that try to mate with their own sex and animals that try to mate with other animals. It is only natural in the sense that it exists in nature, but it is unnatural in the sense that it goes against human’s very own nature: reproduction. The same counts for chronically depressed people. They can’t help that they wish to die, even though they are supposed to survive.

To make a scary comparison: it’s in the brains of pedophiles too. They’re actually committing suicide too, but nobody will feel sorry for a child rapist. At least I won’t. To be honest, I do feel sorry for people having to live with wrong desires, but I can’t pity people acting upon these feelings and raping kids or watching child porn. They actually know it’s wrong to feel sexually attracted to kids, but they can’t help the way they feel. It’s in the brain. I get that it’s an ordeal, but they’re not supposed to touch kids, period.

The difference between homosexuality and pedophilia is of course consensus between adults, which puts things in a different perspective. I personally disapprove homosexual acts as they are forbidden in Islam. Since they’re stuck with these feelings it must be difficult to be gay as a Muslim, but so is being chronically depressed I guess. Whether I approve of acting upon homosexual desires or not, what other people like to do in private is not my business. I don’t support it and I can’t say I allow it, but I can say people are responsible for their own actions (as long as they don’t harm others). If I had to vote on something like gay marriage in an atheist society I would hand in a blank paper. If I were to vote in an Islamic society I would vote no, because I don’t want to make sin a standard for Muslims.

I probably served gay activists by saying being gay is not a choice, but I also must have bothered them by saying it’s an error in the brain, although it wasn’t meant as an insult. I probably bothered and served some Muslims in the exact opposite way. Both need to be honest with themselves and view this matter separately from the approval or disapproval of engaging in homosexual relationships. That’s a different topic and a religious matter.